As promised, I’m going to start sharing stories about my struggles with some of my mental health issues. To be honest, this is going to be really challenging for me. I’m nervous as hell, but I’m hoping that these stories give other people the courage to open up to someone if they’re struggling.
Ok. Here goes.
My first battle with depression came in the beginning of 2014, my junior year at Lehigh. After inconsistencies in my playing time my sophomore year, I really dedicated myself to focusing on how I was going to get myself on the court. I was obsessed, and that obsession had pros and cons to it. The pros were that I got what I wanted in the end; playing time. The cons were that my grades were taking a hit, and it didn’t even phase me.
January 2014, we had a game at Colgate. Mackey hit a shot from damn near half court to send us into OT and it propelled us to go on to win that game. When we got back to campus, a few of us decided to have a small kickback (or get together) and were excited about the game. We were talking hella shit about how we were going to run the league. That night, I got a text from coach saying that we needed to meet the following morning. Part of me knew what it was going to be about, but I disregarded it.
The following morning, we met and he gave me the news: I’m ineligible. I can’t play the rest of the season because my GPA was too low. At that time in my life, that was my biggest fear. I always said it wouldn’t happen to me and now it did. From that moment on, it led me on a journey that I never thought I’d go on my life.
We’ve all felt sadness in our lives at one point or the other. Sometimes it’s the death of a family member, bad news from work or school , a relationship ending, etc. The severity of the news kind of outlines how long we tell ourselves we can be sad. We might not want to talk for a couple of days or even a few weeks. Our eating habits might change slightly, but we eventually pick ourselves back up and push on through life.
Depression is different. It goes on for months and sometimes even years. I’ve been sad before, but this was a completely different feeling. It makes you push everyone and everything away. You feel like no one cares about you or your wellbeing, no matter how many times they say they do. You feel worthless. The simplest tasks require you to use so much energy. You can’t eat or sleep. Darkness is your best friend. Having light shine into your room has you curl back into a ball because that’s the outside world; you feel that your not good enough for it. You become emotionally numb. Vices help take some edge off, but only temporarily. It makes you want to commit suicide because you see no end in sight to the pain that you’re feeling.
How’d I get through it? Honestly, I didn’t. I went to therapy once and was like ‘Alright, fuck this’ because I thought it wouldn’t work for me. So, going back to the emotional numbness, I made sure that I hid those feelings way deep down inside and faked it until I made it. I didn’t reach out to anyone or tell anyone how I was feeling. I couldn’t be weak. I used what I knew from my childhood. However, it came back to bite me in the ass in 2017. I’ll share that story soon.
One of the scariest things about depression is that it doesn’t have a specific look. I was experiencing all those emotions that I listed above, but would still smile and laugh with people. So make sure that your words are helpful and not hurtful. You really don’t know what someone is going through.
If you’re struggling with your mental health or dealing with mental health issues, please reach out to someone. And if you think someone might need some help or they come across your mind, just reach out. It could spark a conversation that would’ve never happen if you didn’t. A life could possibly be saved. Even the smallest bit of encouragement can help us get through what might feel like a never ending battle.
You got this. WE got this.
Peace and blessings.
CB.
Conroy's Cosy Corner 