D & D

When we speak about mental health issues, the sure fire topics that always come up are often depression and anxiety. Although these two are the most prominent problems that people face when they’re suffering, they aren’t the only ones. There’s two others that I want to speak about today; depersonalization and derealization

I’m sure most people have never heard about these two mental health issues, but you may or may not have experienced them when you were going through a rough patch or a monotonous set of days. These two are also weird because they’re technically the same thing, but they’re also not the same thing? Just bare with me as I explain it because when the doctor explained it to me a few years ago, I couldn’t even imagine that we could go through something like that without noticing.

I’m sure we’ve all had those days where we feel like it’s just another day and we’re going through the motions. Depersonalization disorder can be likened to that, but on a more intense scale. In sitcoms especially, there’s always some episode where the main character “dies” and they walk around with a spirit and see their past, present, or future actions on full display. That’s what it constantly feels like. Although you’re actually living and breathing, you don’t feel like you are. You’re constantly “watching” yourself make decisions and wondering if the thoughts you’re thinking are yours or if you’re watching yourself think these thoughts. This shit will make you think you’re going crazy. There’s also instances where you experience emotional numbness. I think that was the most scary part for me because I wouldn’t feel happy or sad about anything. It felt like I was Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz; devoid of a heart so I was lacking the emotionally capacity to love anything, including myself.

Although Depersonalization was scary in itself, Derealization was even scarier. Everyday felt like a dream. There were days I’d wake up and get in my car and start driving and then two or three hours later I’d snap out of it and be in the middle of Bumblefuck. The whole world around me felt like it was changing, like I was with Leo in Inception. Nah seriously, it felt like I was on hardcore drugs. Buildings and people started becoming inverted all over and the sky would just zoom constantly like I sped up the frame. Mind you, this is all possibly going on while I was either driving or walking. But, I COULDN’T tell the difference. That’s why it’s so scary. Shit, even talking to my friends at times was rough. They would look at me like I was weird when they told me a joke or something good that happened and I would just blankly stare at that like we weren’t even talking. I had no emotions whatsoever. I was truly a soulless person.

As you can see, they are kind of similar, but have their own characteristics in some sense. You really don’t know how your brain and body can change on you when you’re going through a tough time. Maybe it was my brains way of protecting me from the reality of my situations at the time? Or maybe I brought myself to the brink and caused it all to happen? I honestly don’t know. This was back in 2016 – 2017, so it’s tough trying to remember everything that led up to the exact moment where I was like ‘Why does the world around me feel so weird’? I guess you can say that the antidepressants and anxiety meds helped me deal with those feelings back then, but I still do experience them from time to time. Due to my experience in dealing with them, I now know when I’m dealing with one of them. One of the best ways to deal with it is to tell someone how you’re feeling or even ask a simple question like “What time is it?” just so you can bring yourself back to reality and ground yourself again.

I don’t know for sure, but I would say that some of us have experienced some of these issues throughout the pandemic and lock downs. Depression and anxiety are at an all time high, but keep a look out for these two as well. Just know that you’re not alone and you’re not at fault for not being able to deal with it. These are some harsh times, so just do the best you can to keep pushing through each day. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. You got this.

Peace and blessings.

CB