Limbo

We all know that January usually feels like an endless cycle of months conjoined into one month, but this January seems EXTRA long. I’m really not even sure what day it is because that’s how much the days have become one. These lockdowns are taking their toll.

We’ll be in lock down for another 6 weeks, according to the government. COVID-19 came back with a vengeance throughout Christmas and the early part of the New Year and now we’re suffering a bit because of it. We all want our lives to go back to some semblance of normalcy, but it looks so far away. The talks of the vaccine being rolled out give a glimmer of hope, but we still need to do our part to make sure that the virus doesn’t continue to spread.

That last line sounded like a commercial, but it shows you where my head is at. I feel like I’m in limbo. I really don’t know what to do. My emotions are fluctuating on a daily basis. There are days I wake up and I’ll be fine and tell myself “Just take it one day at a time” and then there’s other days where I’m feeling like “Fuck this shit. I’m tired of being lock downed”. Some days I’m sad as hell all day and then will perk up in the evening, and then there are other days where the roles are reversed; I’ll be having an amazing day and then negative thoughts creep in like “Yo, what’s good? You’re too happy right now”. I know I’m not going crazy, but I’m wondering what exactly is going on right now. This last year has felt like a simulation.

However, for some reason, one of the most persistent thoughts that I’ve had throughout these “endless” lock downs is “What else would you be doing?” and I’ll sit and think about it for a while. Yes, I have work and have a few social outings here and there, but what else would I be doing? Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way. Maybe I’m a cynic. Part of me feels like I should’ve made a million dollars (or euros) by now, seeing as I’ve had all the time in the world. Another part of me feels like I should curl up in a ball and just wait until it’s all over. The middle part of this Venn-diagram is trying to find a balance between being productive and making sure that I’m being gentle with myself in the midst of this pandemic.

It’s unfortunate the way the society has conditioned us to feel guilty for not having anything to do. It’s made us work ourselves to the bone even while being sick and feel guilty if we decide to take a sick day. It’s made us take some things for granted. That’s why it can be hard to shake some of these feelings during this crisis. How can we navigate between taking it easy and trying to be productive while not feeling guilty of inaction in either? It really does feel like endless limbo. I’d say most humans need to know what the future holds and prior to any decisions they make for that future, they prepare themselves as much as possible. Regardless of whether it’s related to school, work, or a social outing, we prepare ourselves to have things to look forward to in the future. With COVID we don’t know what’s going to happen and that’s terrifying for a lot of people, me included. We can’t prepare for anything or do anything because we don’t know what life after COVID will look like. Yes, there are a few countries that have suppressed the virus and have gone back to “normal” life, but for others, it may not be that simple and that the terrifying part.

Truthfully, this post was just a check in. I needed to write something in order to make myself feel productive. One of the best things for me is being vulnerable with you and writing my thoughts and feelings out. I’m feeling a bit better, but I do still have some ways to go. The battle with my mental health is a never ending one, and I’m just doing the best that I can to keep myself afloat. I hope you’re doing your best too. Be easy with yourself.

Peace and blessings.

CB