Impasta Syndrome

So, looking at my last post, I lied to y’all. I said I didn’t have much time to write, but there were plenty of opportunities. I wrote a similar post right after the ADHD one last year. But I was afraid to post it. Why? Because of imposter syndrome.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

It’s described as: “The psychological experience of feeling like a fake or a phony despite any genuine success you have achieved. It can show up in the context of work, relationships, friendships, or just overall. It’s a very common and frustrating phenomenon because it holds us back from the self-confidence we’ve earned and deserve to feel.” Imposter Syndrome is something that I’ve struggled with for most of my life, and I explored that theme in my last counseling session before going to Italy (hence the title lol).

My therapist is great because she always asks poignant questions, forcing me to dig deeper than I already do, and I’m someone who does a lot of introspection daily. So when we started exploring it, I was like, wow.

Childhood can be detrimental to your adulthood if you don’t do the work. There’s so much trauma—sometimes inadvertently—that can affect your day-to-day without you realizing it. And for me, my childhood was centered around imposter syndrome at times.

But it’s weird because it’s not like my parents didn’t push me to be great. It was the opposite; they ensured my sister and I didn’t have the typical Bronx upbringing. They had us in music and sports to ensure we didn’t get caught up in anything that was happening in the city, like so many others that we knew. Due to their influence, I accomplished a lot in high school, college, and abroad.

On the other hand, because of their Caribbean background, sometimes there was a lack of support when chasing endeavors. It was like, “Yes, we love and support you, but just know that you still need to do life like this because what you’re trying to do probably won’t work out.” Being the dreamer I am, I always took offense because I was like, well do I have your support or not? But, again I can’t blame them too much because that’s Caribbean people are inherently negative for whatever reason. Their world scope is tiny, and when someone tries to do something out of the “norm,” there’s pushback.

A perfect example is when I told my parents I was moving to Ireland in 2016. The first words out of their mouth were, “How are you going to pay for it?” Not “Congratulations” or “We’re proud of you”; it immediately went to something negative, which made me think, “Well, shit maybe I can’t do it. Maybe I’m better off here at home with them.”

When I told my therapist that, I broke down because I do think about that now and then. And even in subsequent years, whenever I’d take trips back home, I was met with questions like, “Why are you still over there?” Or “What’s so special about Dublin?” And in my head, I’d be like, “Son, y’all instilled this shit in me, but at the same time you’re tryna pull me back.” Which one is it? Because I’m doing my thing, but I still feel like it’s not good enough.

ADHD x Imposter Syndrome

As I’ve mentioned before, ADHD is something I didn’t know I had until last year, and I’m still learning so much about it. I now know my triggers, and I’m continuing that work. But the biggest wow for me was finding out how ADHD and Imposter Syndrome tie together.

The neurological imbalance in my brain compounds the effects of Imposter Syndrome with whatever feelings I may be dealing with from ADHD. Now, throw in what I said about my parents, and it’s a perfect storm. Reflecting on my life, I can see where it’s impacted me.

For example, in basketball, everyone knows me as an amazing rebounder (which I am; don’t get me wrong. Nobody can rock with me on the boards). But my true game is as a small forward. Those who have ever played ball with me outside of a structured setting know this and always ask me the same question, “Why don’t you play like this in games?” And I’ll always answer, “I just do what the team needs, and that’s rebounding and playing defense” when truly it’s because I didn’t have that confidence in myself.

I remember talking to my dad about that as a teenager and told him I wanted to transition to the three. He shot that shit down with the quickness lol. But, he did it in a way where I was still able to see the value in what I was doing on the court. In my head though, I was like, “Maybe I’ll never be good enough to play like that.”

So, when I say things stick with me, they do. While they supported me, it still felt like that support wasn’t always there.

Imposter No More In 2024

Entering the year of our Lord 2024, I started stepping into my purpose more. I know I’m very good at what I do—whether coaching, mentoring, writing, or cultivating relationships. However, Young Roy was still looking for that validation from his parents, which I believe he got this year.

It may upset them to read this, but for me, it’s true. Having them in Dublin this May after a few years of begging them to come (thank you for pushing them Jade), I was able to show how much I’ve grown since being a broke student. They saw how I was doing at King’s Hospital and how well my students responded to me; they were impressed with how thoroughly I navigated Dublin and London when I took them for two days. I could see and feel the relief in them knowing that I’m not over here bullshitting.

It’s evident that God sent me over here on a mission. But what almost made me cry tears of joy was when I was on the phone with them last week—shoutout to my sib for sharing videos of camp with them.

I took the warmup last Wednesday, and before I started, I prayed over it. I wanted these kids to feel my passion and love for this game, and they did. I spoke to them briefly about what’s necessary as you navigate your journey as a basketball player. Then, when I video-called my mom and we were talking about it, she stopped me and said ” Son, I’m so proud of you! Look at you stepping into your purpose!” and man, I wanted to ball my eyes out. But I couldn’t shed a thug tear lol. My dad kept it cool as usual, but the sentiment was the same.

That’s all Young Roy wanted; the support and confirmation that his parents believed in him. And again, it’s not that they didn’t; it’s just that for a young black man trying to navigate this harsh world, I need all the support that I can get.

As I told them, I’m on the other side of the world by myself. Yes, I’ve met amazing people and cultivated great relationships, even as recently as these past two weeks. But they had a community to go to when they moved from Antigua. Me? Nah, I’m out here, solo dolo. What can I say? They taught me how to reach for the stars, and that’s what I’m trying to do with this game of basketball.

Mom and Dad, I love you so much, and thank you for pushing me. I know your old ways never came from a bad place, and you weren’t equipped with the tools back then to unlearn behaviors. I’m blessed to have the two of you as amazing parents, and I couldn’t be happier. I hope that now you trust me enough to know I got this.

I’m sorry for the extra long post peeps. I was flying to Spain, so I had nothing but time. Plus, I’m sticking to my word—I’m posting weekly! I hope everyone enjoyed reading. As always, I love and appreciate y’all.

Peace and blessings.

CB