Under Pressure

Logic used to be one of my favorite rappers when I was an undergrad. This was partly because his album Under Pressure resonated with me and still does. Whenever I face highly challenging situations, as I have over the past few weeks, I dive back into that album because it got me through some difficult times.

What’s Up?

I know I usually have the capacity to discuss what’s going on in my personal life, but I don’t right now. I don’t feel like being the strong and vulnerable Conroy (even though I’m doing so now) like I usually am. It’s been taking a lot of energy to do so recently. That’s why I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I couldn’t find the energy to do so. You could even say I’m going through a phase of high-functioning depression, something that I haven’t done in years.

I can only tell you that everything about my life could change if something doesn’t happen soon. I’ve been facing that reality for the past few months, but after a few conversations last week, that reality came to the forefront.

What Can You Do?

Over the past few weeks, when I’ve disclosed the situation to certain people, they’ve asked, “Is there anything else you can do?” And there isn’t. I’ve done what I can, and now I must let God do his part.

That’s the hard part.

As a person who fully believes and stands in Christ, I still have trouble leaving things to him, even after exasperating myself. It’s a toxic trait of mine that I’m still working on. Once I’ve done my part, I have to chill. But we’re human, so we’ll keep pressing and pressing until something goes our way at some point. Sometimes, it even means hurting or ignoring those we care about until that goal is accomplished.

I’ve learned over this past year that I genuinely need to leave it all to him. I have to control what I can control. I’m not saying I’m not actively stressed about the situation because I am. However, pressing is going to do nothing. I need to rest in him and continue to remain faithful. One line from the title song of the album I mentioned above always sticks with me, and it’s:

I’ve been working hard; I’ve been searching for God.

Even as I’m typing this after having cried for about 10 minutes before I sat down, I’ve recited those words in my head. I have been working extremely hard, doing 10,000 things at once. And in that, God has blessed me tremendously with the strength to get through day by day. But there’s no need to search for him when he’s already there waiting for me to release my worries and cares.

So What’s Next?

I don’t know. It’s a waiting game at this point, but for those who can, please pray for me. I need some extra support because when the days are over and I get home late at night, I collapse from the immense emotional weight. It’s weird because even amid this storm, I still have peace, knowing it will all be okay. God can do exceedingly abundantly above all I can ask or think, and I’ll continue to praise his name no matter what.

Peace and blessings.

CB