A Rough One: Suicidal Thoughts

I’ve had this one saved in my drafts for about two months now. It’s one of those things where you want to tell the story, but are kind of worried about when you should. But, as I said in my previous post, for me 2017 was a year that I didn’t think I’d get through. Here’s the next part of that story.

I had gotten through most of Summer ’17 by keeping myself engulfed in basketball and just wanting to prove myself for my second season here in Ireland. My first one was alright. It was tough coming back from having a year off of competitive basketball, so most of the year was used getting my timing back. I told myself year two wasn’t going to be the same.

The season started and I was killing it. Averaging double-doubles and playing the best basketball I could. I was still depressed and dealing with my anxiety, but I was able to compartmentalize. I would never bring my troubles with me to the game. Well, at least I tried. After our 6th game of the season it all came crashing down.

Ahh man. This is tough…

Alright here goes.

As I’ve been stating, when you deal with anxiety and are depressed you don’t realize how much of an effect it has on those around. However, you also don’t realize that the smallest thing can send you over the edge. That’s what happened to me.

At that point I was going to therapy regularly, but it wasn’t enough. I was trying to deal with years of past trauma and trying to unlearn toxic behaviours. Moreover, while also dealing with a toxic relationship that I played a part in, other things completely out of my control were affecting me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I can’t remember the exact night that it all happened, but an argument set me over the edge and I wanted to end my life.

I wrote a note, left, and cried my eyes out while walking to the bus stop. I can’t swim, so my plan was to go to the sea and drown myself. Man, when I tell you tired, I was TIRED. Life was just too much for me at that point and I couldn’t deal. What other option did I possibly have? Therapy wasn’t working. Talking to family and friends wasn’t working. I felt like I was all alone. I felt like God had left me. I felt that everyone else was better off without me in this world.

… I never made it on to that bus. For some reason, I walked to a cemetery and sat down on a bench and looked at the graves. I was there for about 3 hours just crying, praying, and telling myself that if I wanted to end it, that’s where I’d be; in the ground with the rest of these souls. I wouldn’t have said goodbye to my family and friends. I would’ve hurt them so much more. I wouldn’t have achieved anymore of my goals. I wouldn’t have been able to smile, laugh and make memories with those that I loved. That would’ve been the end of the story of Conroy Baltimore at age 24.

I’ve only told a handful of people that story because it’s still very raw. But, now all of you know and I’m glad I shared it. I shed a few tears while typing this because now that I’m in such a different place in my life, it’s hard to look back and know that I really considered ending it all.

Society has never really given men the space to be ‘weak’ and show their emotions. That’s why some men commit suicide. They feel trapped because they’re afraid of how those around them will perceive them if they say their struggling. It’s an ongoing battle about whether they should share their pain or not. I’m here to say that you should. Regardless of who you are, share your struggles with someone else because it just might be the help that you need to keep you from going over the edge. Also, whether someone is struggling or not, just reach out and see how a person’s doing. You could save their life.

I’m grateful that I was able to share that story with you all. I only told as much as I could because I really didn’t want to get too deep into it, but I’m sure you understand. Mental health issues aren’t easy to deal with, but with the right support system you’ll be able to combat anything.

I appreciate everyone that’s supported me thus far. It’s helped make telling these stories easier. I want to make sure that we keep these conversations about mental health issues going because we need them now more than ever.

Remember, it’s ok to feel human because I’m fighting too.

Happy Saturday everyone.

Peace and blessings.

CB