Back In Therapy

Hey everyone, I hope you’re having a wonderful week so far. I think I am? But I’m not really sure. I feel like I’ve been on auto-pilot for a while now, so my emotions have been pretty stoic when I don’t have to put a face on.

When it gets to this time of year, I feel like I always switch to autopilot. Seasonal depression is real, but this year it’s been hitting me a lot harder. I have more time with my thoughts, which isn’t necessarily bad. But when you’re an overthinker like me, it can lead you into a neverending spiral.

There have been days that I’ve woken up and laid in bed until it was time to go to coaching. I got no writing done either, so I felt even more guilty during those days. Other days have been filled with happiness. But then I hop on the phone with friends or family, and sadness makes its way in again.

I know seasonal depression is part of the reason why I’ve been feeling like this. However, I also know there’s something deeper bothering me, and it’s slightly scaring me.

So I decided to go back to therapy.

Harder Than I Remember

The last time I went to therapy was back in 2017. I was dealing with some depression and anxiety issues, coupled with various external factors that made it hard to live. Suicide was on the table back then too, but holding onto my faith and having the support of those around me is why I’m still here now (You can read about that story here).

This time around is different. Although I’ve learned better ways to cope with anxiety and depression, I was still nervous about going back to therapy.

It’s always nerve-racking meeting with a new therapist. You feel like you’re telling your life story over again and in attempt to gain sympathy, you cut corners.

Why?

Because you’re afraid to explain why you’re sitting in the session. You don’t want those demons to show up too early and lower your guard. It’s an entirely judgment-free zone, but your mind can’t help but tell you otherwise.

I wanted to do things differently this time, though. I enjoyed my sessions with previous therapists, and they truly helped me out, but it was hard for them to relate because they weren’t black. So I did my due diligence and found a website called Black Therapist Ireland (no, you don’t need to be black to use their services).

To feel like I’m getting more out of the session, I need to explain my feelings to someone who looks like me. There’s so much as a young black man that I’m still trying to unpack, which is why a black therapist was essential.

When Did You Start?

I started going to therapy two weeks ago, so I’m only one session in. When I sat down in the chair, there was a mixture of emotions. It felt like I was being split in multiple directions, and voices were telling me things like:

• ‘I’m glad you’re back in counseling. I’m proud of you;
• ‘You should be ashamed of yourself for being weak and coming back.’
• ‘Why am I here?’
• ‘There’s no way this is going to work.’
• ‘I’m afraid to hear what comes out of my mouth.’

But all of that went away once my therapist said to me, “Oh! You must be American!” I know it’s weird, but that one statement disarmed me and made me laugh unexpectedly.

I know I rambled on throughout the session, but I did leave there learning about some things plaguing me. It’s great talking with family and friends, but getting help from a professional is equally important.

I just wanted to let you guys know what’s up because I’ve always been transparent with you. And as I continue on this journey of re-discovery, I’ll be sure to keep you updated on my progress.

My site tagline says, “It’s OK to feel human. I’m fighting too.” And guess what? That’s precisely what I’ll keep doing. Love y’all.

Peace and blessings

CB