“A.D.H.D.”

If you’re around my age, the title of this post will be familiar to you. For others, it’s the name of a Kendrick Lamar song that came out my freshman year of college. It’s one of my favorite songs because of the message behind it. But for me, it now has a deeper meaning.

Awkward Timing

I was so happy to be back playing basketball this season after a two year hiatus. Taking a step away was necessary to regain my love for playing and it definitely showed during the first half of the season.

I was doing well, putting up solid numbers, despite nagging injuries and a bad flu. But deep down, something didn’t feel right. However this time it wasn’t regarding playing, but just me in general.

I wasn’t having panic attacks; depression was nowhere to be found even though S.A.D. was trying to win. So I had no clue what was up. It wasn’t until some time in February, when I picked up what would be a season ending injury, that I decided to dig a little deeper into my wellbeing.

I vaguely remember having conversations in the past with my parents about ADHD but I didn’t have all the details. I’m not sure why but something told me to do more research.

After perusing the internet, and taking various assessments, there were indicators that I may indeed have ADHD. But I still wasn’t sure. One thing I could look forward to, however, was going home and talking to my parents about it.

A Blow Like No Other

After much delay, I was finally able to get home in April for 3 weeks. It wasn’t a trip I wanted to announce to people; I just wanted to go and spend time with my family. And I did just that.

Although everyone was working, it was nice to spend time with them and my grandma who was up from Antigua. I also got to see some of my aunts as well. But again, the thought of having that conversation with my parents was lingering.

It happened so smoothly over breakfast on my first Sunday there. We were discussing various things and I straight out asked them if I have it. After giving them a few reasons why I suspected I did, they broke it down for me.

Sure enough, I do have ADHD.

They took me to the doctor when I was younger because I was really hyperactive and had little attention span. Since they were from the Caribbean and had limited knowledge on the subject, they chalked it up to misbehavior. The doctor said I should take medication, but they refused (which I’m grateful for).

On the other hand, once it was confirmed, I was numb. I was unsure of how to feel because I’d been living with this disorder for years unbeknownst to me. But it made so much sense as I reflected on my daily life.

A Break Down of ADHD

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and it affects many children and adults in various ways. For me, I’m on the Attention-Deficit spectrum and here’s how it impacts my daily life:

– If something is of no interest to me, I have a hard time paying attention even if it’s something necessary (i.e. school)

– My short term memory suffers alot, but I can tell you the details of something very specific you told me years ago; a memory you most likely wouldn’t remember

– I have a low social battery; once I’m tapped out I need to leave or I’ll get overstimulated

– Speaking of overstimulation, excessive noise and other activities can throw me off if I’m not geared up for it

– I struggle to keep finances in order due to a lack of “checks and balances” in my brain. Essentially, I have an impulse problem due to my physiological nature even though I still have common sense (this one really killed me after researching more in depth)

There are a few other things, but I rather not delve any deeper. I’m sure you have a clear enough picture.

So What’s Next?

Unfortunately, I’m on my own at the moment. Getting formally assessed in Ireland will cost roughly €1000 or be on a waiting list for a few years (ain’t nobody got time fa dat)!

In the meantime and between time, I’m doing a plan that helps me learn more about this disorder and the “superpowers” that come with it. So it’s not all bad! I’m also using a few strategies to help me in my day-to-day. I’ve also got the support of my girlfriend, who has been amazing as usual, and some close friends who know a little bit more.

It will be challenging though.

29 years of rooted behaviors is going to take a lot of time to dig up. And I just want to say this before I end this post:

Mom and Dad I don’t blame you at all because you did what you could with the knowledge you had. The 90s and early 2000s were a different time, and I can’t hold that against you. While I’m frustrated about knowing so late, thanks for loving and protecting me the way you have all these years. But now I need you in another capacity.

I’m glad I got that out. I’ve been holding it in for a while. My day-to-day hasn’t been easy and I do find myself being like “f***” every now and then when I think about it.

We gon get through it though.

As always, I love y’all.

Peace and blessings.

CB